Anatomy of a Fight

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?"

I wonder if James was a parent, because he knew how to ask a pointed question, one that you and I as parents deal with almost daily.

So where do the fights at home come from? He continues (in James 4) with a rhetorical question: "Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"

Well, that nails it, doesn't it? Why are there fights at your house? Because a child -- sometimes an adult! -- wants what they want, and they don't get it when and how they want it, so they fight. Period.

Daily we encounter selfishness. Daily we battle it within ourselves. Daily it overflows from the mouths and body language of our children. So what do we do? If I had that nailed down, I'd write the book, do the conference and fix the world, but short of that I'll keep turning to Scripture to wash over me and my family until transformation comes. I think that's the only way it will work for you, too!

Continues in verse 2, "You desire and you do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain so you fight and quarrel."

Don't think that sounds too harsh -- replay your children's words (or yours). What mean things have been said? Selfishness is powerful! People kill over it. Marriages break up over it. Children leave the home sometimes in mid-to-late teen years just so they can simply do as the please (ignorantly not realizing they will be more restricted than ever, but that's another blog post).

Let's begin to get to some helpful parts of the passage, continuing in verse 2: "You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions."

We must teach our children and remind ourselves that it is not each other that ultimately satisfy us, but the Lord, and Him we must seek with our desires. Howver simple or great, we must take our desires to Him. If we submit to Him, He either alters the desire or fulfills it. He sets it right in our heart. And our heart is the issue!

Our children are drawn in by the world. They are manipulated by the enemy through the media and selfishness around them to believe you are owed personal, momentary, immediate satisfaction. God, being a personal Father, says, "Come to me with your desires."

When our children fight because they don't get what they want, let's work hard to avoid fighting back. Let's turn each occassion into a teachable moment in which we a) call out the sin graciously; b) point to why it happened (if possible); c) instruct what the action should have been, then d) most vitally! Re-direct the child to the places in the Word of God where there is instruction about it. This will take a little time and effort to find those places. But the working of the Holy Spirit in the heart and on the mind of the believer is the only thing that transforms.

Where the selfishness is mimicking the world's standards, we must teach them about verses 4 and 5, where our friendship with the world is literally called 'adultery' against God. Verse six points out the attractiveness of humility to God, and his resistance of the proud.

These teachings are vital to our households. As we make progress in understanding and processing these truths in our hearts, fights will decrease. What those we love want will matter more. Work at it! Mere behavioral management won't work -- we must get to the source of the problem, as James did.

How to Relieve Your Stress & Transform Your Child

Matthew 7:7 promises, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

As parents, I believe we can rely on this promise if we are already honoring God by pouring into our children what the Lord pours into us.

Paul Miller, author of A Praying Life, changed how I think about parenting with his simple-but-powerful method of praying for each family member. He said, "Prayer is how I get things done." Then he explained how he gets things done with His children.

He uses a card -- say, a 3x5 -- for each child, and lists each thing he wants to see happen in that child's life. Daily he prays over the cards. Simplistic? Yes. Powerful? Think about it: A Godly daddy who is already bringing up his children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is taking specific requests for his children to God, his and their ultimate Father.

That trumps worrying. That beats 'trying harder.' That trumps fussing and wrestling with the kids, your wife, or God over their behaviors and circumstances.

It lays the issues at the feet of Christ! Paul says he has steadily seen God do what He has asked.

I have as well. Let me tell you (!), my stress level drops, my peace level rises (those are always in direct correlation, by the way) and my hope for my children sky rockets when I pull out those cards.

Ours is a good Father who desires to give good gifts to His children, including developing their lives according to His will. On that issue, He and I agree, you and He agree, and He will honor you as you raise up your children. He is steadily working harder and with more wisdom than you and I at transforming our children! So take your requests directly to Him, and trust Him.

Ask Him. Specifically. Daily. It's one way you get parenting done!

(Photo is of a sample, mock card for an 11-year-old girl)

Restore a Child in the Way You Want to be Restored

Last night one of our children made a mistake. They had lost a privilege -- for a long time -- then worked hard to regain it. Maintaining it for a week, they lost it again last night by indulging significantly and with deceit beyond our stated limits.

This otherwise seemingly minor loss was a big deal to the child, and it is a big deal in their spiritual growth, because the violation was sin. They 'missed the mark' (the definition of sin) by violating the guidelines of their parents.

Once this was found out by Judy and I, the challenge was to deal with the child in a redemptive manner, both last night and today as they awoke dejected. We have not always handled these things well. Anger has ruled, frustration has boiled over. In short, we have at times taken the offenses personally, when in fact it is as simple as 'the child wants what the child wants, and will sometimes do anything to get it.'

That sounds familiar for children and adults, doesn't it?

So how do we handle such things? A few sequential guidelines come to mind.

• Give a consequence. That's obviously necessary so that the child sees a clear boundary.
• Make the consequence related to the offense if at all possible.
• This one is where some parents -- read: US many times -- make a mistake: Make the lost privilege sometime that can be retained in a reasonable length of time so as not to exasperate the child.
• Encourage the child to repent before the Lord first.
• Build up the child. You might say something like, "You made a mistake. I'm disappointed that happened and sorry for you. I've made mistakes many times, as you know. God is merciful and forgiving. If you have repented, and if you trust God to give you strength, you can behave according to the guidelines we've given you and get the privilege back. More importantly, that will please God, and us. I believe you can do it and look forward to seeing it happen!"

When we handle these matters well, Judy and I are pleasantly surprised that we often see a genuinely repentant attitude. This morning the child seemed very 'bummed out.' I asked if they were angry because of the consequence. "No, I'm mad because I was stupid enough to do that."

I followed with, "you sinned, you repented, you've learned from it. You  can earn back the privilege. Now move on and have a good day."

These simple situations make up the crux of our parenting. When we miss these opportunities to be Biblical redemptive, we must repent, re-focus and wait for the next opportunity.

It will come soon.

Ready, Aim, Fire Your Children at the Devil

"Children are arrows in a quiver,and they are to be trained as missionaries & shot at the Devil." -- Jim Elliot (thanks Dan Dumas for posting on Twitter)

Who do my kids belong to? Me, or God?

The answer will change everything about their life.

If they are God's, then we are to be raising them to live out His purposes, and His word is perfectly consistent with Elliot's quote.

No, I'm not excited about my kids being martyred in a foreign country -- but it's not my call!

 I'm not even excited about my 15-year-old daugthers' passion to reach homeless people by feeding them and witnessing to them as they stand at street corners begging. All I see initially is some old man ogling my daughters! (It is, however, my responsibility, call and choice that they will not do this alone.)

I'm not excited about my wife potentially spending three weeks in a small town in Ukraine without me while waiting to bring home our son -- but a 12-year-old boy's life depends on it.

Someone may say, 'You are taking this all too seriously,' to which I have no choice but to answer, 'And you, if you say you are a Christian, are denying the very Word of God written by the God you say saved you!'

The trouble I see in our culture -- and I mean in our southern, evangelical, we-say-we-believe-the-whole-Bible church culture -- is that most parents are preparing their children for absolutely nothing apart from successful navigation of the American dream (which, if you haven't noticed, is becoming less and less attainable. So they are being equipped to accomplish something they are likely to fail at, and which had no altruistic purpose in the first place).

Most college freshman today are equipped to to manage high-tech toys and use a condom. Impressive, eh?

Is it any wonder so many teens are depressed? They are being led into pointless lives by unfocused parents who are as depressed and/or frustrated as they are because they live pointless lives.

Hard stuff? Yes.True stuff? Look around.

It doesn't have to be this way.  Indeed, it is not this way for everyone. I see many parents making the transition to meaningful lives, and wrestling in a healthy way with how to translate that to their children. We are power agents of the Most High. The Holy Spirit is in us. We are called to be on assignment.

As Alex and Brett Harris write, our children can 'Do Hard Things.' We have to lead them into them. We have to do them first, or at least with them. We have to know by the Word and the Spirit that there is a higher calling that can bring life change to us and countless others.

What -- and who -- are you and I hanging onto?

Let's throw it all down and go for it. As Elliot also more famously said,  "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."

Why Cool is Really Lukewarm (or, How to Keep God from Spitting Out Your Kids)

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know them."
-- 1 John 3:1

Does the world know your children? Do they fit in perfectly at school, or on their sports team?

Be careful how well your kids fit in. You say, 'But I want my child to be well-liked.' We all do, but if your child is well-liked for the wrong reasons, he or she will be the wrong kid, the person who conformed for short-term satisfaction. When one starts down that trail, they rarely turn around. The allure of popularity is great.

I'm not saying we want to produce a generation of outcasts.  But, think about it:

Given a choice between outcast and typecast, which type are you trying to produce?

God's children are not to be like other children. Nor are they to be haughty and holier than thou. It's a delicate balance that will feel right some days, so very wrong some days. That can be a roller coaster ride of insecurity for the most surrendered Christ-follower. The key is that their security be found in nothing besides their identity in Christ. With you backing up that message, that is enough!

Being a child of God will cost your children some points on the cool meter. But cool is often merely the enemy's way of being (luke)warm. A cool Christian in a public school is possible depending on the demeanor, gifts and personality of the teen and the culture of the school. But there is no perfect formula, no guarantee. What satisfies your child has to be on a higher plain. Ridicule and disdain shouldn't be desired, but it must be acceptable if it comes for the right reason.

Verses 2-3 give us more clues. "Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. Everyone who has this hope in Him purifies Himself, just as He is pure."

The unsaved or carnal Christian child needs to be cool to have identity. The born again child has identity, and is working to discover "what (he) will be"  as he matures into it. He is not trying to be like the cool kids. He is not wearing stripes because the other kids are. (Now, if he is wearing plaids and stripes, please, homeschool!)

Here is what the child who knows his identity, knows Whose he is, is doing: "Everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself."

The purification process includes not doing some cool things because a) they are a bad witness, b) they don't need to be cool in the world's eyes because they are sooo cool in God's eyes.

How do you make this work? If I knew that precisely I'd be a gazillionaire author and conference speaker, spitting out the formula to the mass of hurting parents! (Now, that would be cool LOL) We humans keep messing this up. But here's the deal: it comes down to them knowing who they are, and that comes down to you introducing them to Christ, leading them to salvation, and unpacking for them what the Word of God says about their identity.

That's a lot of hard work. I know, Judy and I are speaking it daily to two teens and a pre-teen. But it's worth it. Sometimes it's cool to see your kids be uncool.

The Supplement Your Family Needs

We see a lot of advertising about taking supplements to replace needed nutrition lacking in our regular diet. Indeed, depend on your condition, the supplement can be essential.

Tonight Judy and I took turns reading James to our family, then we prayed as if we were Elijah!

We read with nominal commentary -- just a quick expansion or explanation here and there. Then the Spirit moved me to write to you, covering a few benefits of reading the Word to your family.

• The Word is the food the Holy Spirit feeds back to Christ followers when He gives them counsel, hence your family must hear it!
• You as parent(s) reading the Word to your children establishes, over time, the priority of the Word in your life, and thus theirs.
• It is like taking a bath spiritually and emotionally. Even when it challenges, it also soothes and comforts. You want to settle down a restless, dispirited, irritable house? Wash it in the Word.
• It resets the mind. If you believe that how you think impacts your emotions, which usually determines your actions (seriously, this is true and vital to understand), then you'll see the value of hit the reset button often.

Families appear too busy today to read the Word. They are giving their minds -- then their hearts and actions -- over to the enemy very subtly. Don't let it happen in your home. Read the Word over your family.